The end of the Lord

-
There's a verse in James from which, particularly at certain points in my life, I've derived great comfort. It reads, "Behold, we count them happy which endure. Yes have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord, that The Lord is very pitiful and full of tender mercy."

The phrase in that verse that is most meaningful to me is "the end of the Lord." It only appears in the Bible twice. It seems to denote that moment when all is made right, or that moment when the end has come and we see how Divine Choreography played into the design and plan of our lives.

Furthermore, James seems to suggest that our part in waiting for "the end of the Lord" is to act with patience and faith. Ah, therein lies the challenge. There, in that thought, lies the agony of overcoming ones fears and learning to trust in a power mightier than oneself.

I have found myself in this place before, and I will find myself there again. And learning to place my fear and my hope and my will on the altar and willingly walk away, trusting in my belief that "the end of The Lord" will come together in my own life in a way that is best for me, is the place where I have metaphorically resided for the last several weeks.

Here's the reality: my body cannot bear another child. I have physically and mentally exhausted myself in an effort to learn that reality, an effort that exceeded at times what I thought was my capacity to face, and now have come to a place of quiet resignation.

It's not the sort of thing I'm sure I should write about, but I find that I must, to clarify how I feel, and to record it so that when time passes and perspective dawns, I'll remember this.

And so. The reality faced, I now grapple with the questions it creates. In the end, the truth is, I don't know the end yet. I haven't yet experienced "the end of the Lord" in this particular situation. But I have experienced it before, and I know this: He has dazzled me with the way He can make more out of my life than I ever hoped or dreamed. I trust Him.

I do.


Comments

Cade said…
We feel your pain. The decision not to have more children wasn't exactly ours. We had a failed in vitro procedure, then there was Jill's cancer. We can't really have more kids, but feel "jipped" that the decision wasn't ours. We are so grateful for the 3 children we have been blessed with and are happy with what we have been given. Secretly we hope to inherit more children, but aren't going to do the adoption process.

Best of luck to you and your family. It makes us feel old to know that we are done having kids. Your kids are so beautiful, you have much to be grateful for.

February 21, 2014 at 10:01 PM
Anaise said…
Liz, there just aren't words. It's too big and takes too much trust and faith and hope and . . . everything. Know that I love you.
February 22, 2014 at 3:55 PM
Liz, in New York said…
Oh, you kind, loving friends. Thank you. Your words and your love bring me great comfort and solace during a time of heart ache. God bless each of you for your compassion and empathy. I am blessed to have you as friends.
February 28, 2014 at 3:00 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Liz and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad...

-
Today was Stake Conference. Trent was part of the program, and the Stake Center is 30 minutes away. We hustled out the door at 9 a.m. and made it in time (I thought) to get the soft cushy seats up front for great view for Trent's oboe performance and some good old nurturing of the Good Word. Then I remembered that we have a 14 month old. I remembered that perhaps it would not be wise to have that 14 month old bouncing up and down, crawling over and under, and screaming (because she's in that screaming phase, that one where she likes to exercise her voice at high and progressively louder pitches for no reason other than she seems to like the sound). As I hustled in toward the front of the chapel I remembered that it wouldn't be the best spot for us. Somehow, going to the back made me feel sad. Maybe because I knew that our days of sitting on the cushy chairs were over. But our friends were sitting in the back with their four children. I brightened at that thought and moved t...
Read more

For Thad

-
Image
On our second date, Trent took me home to meet his family. We walked in the front door and found his mom in the kitchen, busily attending to Trent's younger brother, Thad. To that point in my life, I was wholly unexperienced with physically and mentally disabled people. Upon my first meeting of Thad, who has been handicapped since birth, I felt a little uncomfortable. I didn't want to stare; I didn't know how not to stare; I didn't know how to react. Then I paused, and watched how all of Trent's family interacted around Thad. They rubbed his head, they kissed his cheek, they talked to him about where they were going and how they were feeling, they told him that they loved him. Their total acceptance and adoration of Thad made it possible for others to feel comfortable, too. And so, within a few moments of meeting Thad, I relaxed. *** In the long years leading up to meeting and marrying Trent, I was given a lot of promises about my future spouse by means of pri...
Read more

Facebook is for extroverts (and other observations of an introvert)

-
Image
Classic moment with my husband, the extrovert. Let me tell you a little secret: I am an introvert. Does that surprise you? It surprised me, too. I discovered this little nugget of extremely salient information one day when I was 47 weeks pregnant and Trent invited a family over for Sunday dinner and I burst into tears. Follow the line of logic here from an extrovert's (TRENT) point of view: Liz is pregnant. She is sick of being pregnant. She needs to get her mind off of that. I will give her the GIFT of a lot of people here at the house playing games and laughing. We will enjoy their company. This will totally re-energize her. This will be great. Now follow the line of logic from an introvert's (LIZ) point of view:  If there are all those people at the house I will have to entertain them. I will feel totally drained of any energy I have left since right now I don't have the energy to even smile. All I want to do is talk to Trent about the baby or read...
Read more