Like a lion

Seems like a lot of folks these days spend a lot of time talking and--dare I say--agonizing over the Common Core. I don't know much about it, and I'm not really therefore in a place to debate it, and that's not what I'm writing about today.

I am writing about a comment that Lillian's teacher wrote on her report card, a report card which, thanks to the Common Core, is sort of a lot of words telling me nothing really except that my child isn't behind and isn't ahead and is therefore floating somewhere along average. As her mother, of course, I see it as my God-given right to vehemently argue that the terms "average" and "Lillian" never go hand in hand.

So, that's what I do, I just vehemently disagree, and then I smile wryly at myself  as I compose an email in my head that I never intend to send; then I laugh at my parent self having to deal with my teacher self (the self that reprimands the email composed in my head and sides with the teacher, because I've been in her shoes). As you can see, it's a bit complicated.

In any case, Lillian brought home her report card, and it was filled with a lot of "S" (for Satisfactory) and "P" (for Progressing). And then there was one box that had an "IN" (for Inconsistent), accompanied with this comment:

"Lillian can be a bit strong willed and does not back down in conflicts with peers"

Now, let me just say, I actually agree with that comment. It's an absolute truism about Lillian, and has been since birth, that she cannot and will not back down in a conflict. Like her teacher, I have often viewed this trait in a negative light. But as I have thought about that comment on the report card, I've begun to wonder if not backing down is actually not a bad thing, and something I should nurture and value in Lillian instead of try to stamp out.

I'm reminded of a statement in Reviving Ophelia, when author Mary Pipher writes about how girls with strong personalities in childhood turn into wallflowers as they reach adolescence. At a certain age, Pipher says, "girls stop being and start seeming." Girls quickly learn that looking the part is more important than being true to who they really are.

I have a friend who didn't marry until she was almost 40. For years she wondered what was "wrong" with her, in hopes that if she could just fix the problem, she'd finally get married. Blessed with a strong personality like my Lillian, this friend said for a long time she felt it necessary to hide her strength, fearing that her strength made her somehow less desirable and less attractive. Fortunately for my friend, she realized that trying to mask her strength was exhausting and a self-betrayal in the truest sense. She learned to value who she was, and, in time, married someone who did the same.

Often subconsciously (but at times quite blatantly) society sends the message to girls that who they are isn't good, and that they need to change themselves to become attractive (or, worse, that argument deduces down to the faulty principle that women are worthwhile because of their attractiveness). To this I most vehemently must disagree. To this I must take a stand and say: you are good and lovely and wonderful as you are. Your innate gifts and traits are what make you, YOU.

Yes, Lillian is strong, and yes, she does not back down. But taken in a different light, isn't that something to be celebrated? In a time when so many do not know who they are, Lillian innately does.
It seems that the thing to do is to honor that in her, and teach her how to handle it in appropriate ways.

We recognize that perhaps what Lillian needs are conflict resolution tools, so that when she is in a conflict, she has some phrases and words she can use to help resolve a problem with kindness, but without giving up her God-given strength.

There's a lion that lives inside of my little girl, and I am learning to celebrate her roar.