Demolition Derby

Hemlock Fair: Demolition Derby. Reporting live at the scene: Liz and Trent

Materials Needed: One car that has been sitting in someone's front yard for 30 to 40 years; 279 bottles of spray paint to dedicate the car to "Dad" "Mom" and "Bubba"; A full gas tank conveniently placed in the back seat so as to avoid that explosion that'll take you to Jesus.

Rules: Don't hit the driver's side door.... but do what you can to hit EVERY other side of the car AND, for bonus points, do what you can to flip your car over because you WILL be the next hero of the show.

Cleanup Crew: No zambonis. Just your John Deere to pick up what's left of the old girl. We must say, the John Deere was every bit as mesmerizing as the old Zamboni. Can't take your eyes off it...

Saturday night we experienced one of the great unknown highlights of Upstate New York. In the little known land of Hemlock there is a county fair where, once a year, the fine folk of Hemlock and the surrounding area gather together for the finest smash-down-demolition-derby that this blonde, conservative couple from the Intermountain West has ever seen. Seats are a hot commodity here, so you gotta come early and duct-tape your blanket to the bleachers. The derby is only part of the joy...believe me, this is people watching at its finest.

This is Trent: And, I must say, the people watching is AWESOME! (To be fair, I'm sure others were watching us right back, saying "who's that scarecrow with the wanna-blend-in skull shirt on and his pretty wife?" We did our best to blend in, but....) Let's see, we saw naked dude - I like to call him that because he thought he was lookin' s-e-x-y with his no shirt, no shoes, no UNDER pants, but some really low hangin' have-a-good-time jeans shorts. Awesome. We also saw Cheeto lady. I like to call her that because, let's be honest, when you're downin' the entire bag (Costco size) by yourself while you wait for the ol' Demo-D, and the bleacher is bowed to the ground because, well, one or two too many cheetos have gone down the pie-hole, and you're wearin' your big and happy t-shirt size XXXXL, it's AWESOME. My personal favorite was - God Bless the people of Hemlock - they're doing no dentist any favors. Whoever heard of dentists? You only need three or four teeth to suck down another keg of beer. And, bras? Well, honey, in Hemlock, it's about how LOW can you GO! A happier people I have ne'er seen....

Enlarge this, if you can, to see Cheeto lady in the grey tanktop

(sadly, the cheeto bag is eclipsed by a backpack)

This is Liz: a last and final highlight. Remember, importantly, no one in Upstate New York has ever seen a pregnant woman. The shock and awe of such a sight is apparently exacerbated when one is drunk, as the following interchange with a half naked, drunk man will confirm. It went down like this: I was walking down the road of the fair grounds, looking for a funnel cake for my man (who could not be peeled away from the demolition derby). A man holding a large beer in one hand and a cigarette dangling in the other almost passed me by when his eyes narrowed on my...ahem...rather large belly...at which point he yelled, "OH MY! WHEN WE DUE? WHEN WE DUE?" and began walking toward me. The look in his eye told me he fully intended on rubbing my belly. I cowed, smiled and said, "Uh, pretty soon" and he responded, "OH I CAN SEE THAT! WELL GOD BLESS YOU!"

God bless you all, Hemlock. This was about the most fun we've had in months. Seriously, we loved every second, every person, and every dent in each car that screamed passed us.


I do love the charm of Upstate, but now I think I like it's down-dirty-demolition-derby side even more.