My best mistake

A couple of days ago while I was running some errands I noticed the date: May 19th. It was another typical day, totally benign, as has been every May 19th for my entire life.

But I paused for a moment on this May 19th because as I glanced at the date on my cell phone, I remembered suddenly and quite out of the blue that May 19th was to be, once upon a time, my wedding day. Of course, it was the wedding that never was.

Before my ideal husband came along, there were others; one in particular who took things seriously enough that we looked at diamond rings and flew to Florida where one sunny Valentine's Day he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him and I...said yes.

Truthfully, I said yes that night not because I loved the man who was proposing, but because I was 30 years old and I thought I had run out of chances. I could see plainly enough where our relationship was flawed, but I reasoned that just because he didn't like what I liked, or valued what I valued, that I could be strong enough for the both of us. Even though he often bothered--even annoyed me--I rationalized that marriage meant compromise and that I shouldn't be too, too picky.

If I were really honest with my 30 year old self, I'd say that it just felt so nice to finally be chosen by someone, that I didn't stop to consider if this were someone who would be a fitting friend, partner, father, and leader in my home. For all the things (with all due respect to this kind man for whom I now feel only compassion and a sort of sisterly concern and friendship) our relationship lacked, I figured I could work hard enough to make up the difference.

Herein is the danger of the desperate need we sometimes create within ourselves when we don't know that who we are is enough. And in the greatest sort of irony, we work harder to compensate for that which around us is failing in order to make up for what we fear we lack. The greatest factor, I believe, in a happy marriage--no, for a happy life-- is knowing who you are, what you need, and that who you are is already enough. If you know these things, you will not marry beneath yourself, you will not marry because you have no other options, and you will bring the best version of your wonderful self to the marriage altar. If you know these things, even if you do not marry in this life, then you will be happy.

I did not, at that point in my life, know those things.

In all, we were engaged for about two weeks. I was deliberately blithe about any issue that we had in our relationship. I bought a dress. I booked a reception hall. I called the temple and selected a date for our sealing.

And then one horrible Saturday night, the entire house of cards came falling down around me. My then-fiance came to my house filled with anger and accusation; he felt trapped and didn't know a way out. In his frustration, he unleashed a hailstorm of blame. I listened, open-mouthed. In less than an hour it was over. I pulled the diamond ring off my finger and handed it back to him. He walked out the door and I fell to the ground in a heap of tears.

Within moments, Steffani was there. Wendy was, too. Then Jaimey. They held me as I cried wild tears of fear and bewilderment. Even in that moment, they were not tears of loss, but tears of shame. I was more concerned about what others would think than that I had lost someone I loved.

That realization brought a moment of great clarity which seized me. Even now, I remember with astounding precision, two thoughts that came to me:

1. I did not love the person I was engaged to. With that realization came a flood of relief that it was over.
2. This moment of utter abandonment would become my finest hour.

It was a transcendent moment of perfect grace. Indeed, it was the living example of the definition of grace. I tried in my halting limited way to create something good, and something horrendous had come of it. God then intervened and made the situation something beautiful.

That experience cut to the core of my soul; I found there was a steel pillar of strength I had not theretofore known existed. With that strengthening power behind me, I immersed myself the love of trusted friends, loved ones, and even wise professionals who helped me figure out how and why I had made choices which had created a life I had not wanted. I exercised. I prayed. I read scriptures. I felt a closeness to heaven and the beginnings of an understanding of who God really is and what my relationship is with Him.

I look back on those weeks and months following the broken engagement as some of the sweetest, most grace-filled moments of my life. I was guided, watched over, and cared for. Swathed in the warmth of so much love, I couldn't help but find a truer, more authentic version of myself. For maybe the first time in my life, I knew that I was in fact a daughter of God.

When May 19th, 2004 came around, the day that would have been my wedding day, Steffani delivered a cake to my door. It said, in beautiful script, "Happy It's Not Your Wedding Day Cake." We laughed, we ate the cake without a bit of bitterness, regret, or compunction; it was a perfect moment of closure for the wedding that almost was.

And that is the story of the best mistake I've made in my life.