Do you speak my language?

What language do you speak?

No, I'm not talking English, or Spanish, or even Mongolian. I'm talking today about your love language. According to this book (check it out at fivelovelanguages.com), there's 5 of them, and all of us speak one natively. These are the options: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and service.





Many people have probably heard of this concept before, but if you haven't, here's a quick synopsis: the idea is that each of us has a "native" love language; or, in other words, a way we most easily give and receive love. I'm not just talking romantic love, but all sorts of love, including the love we encounter in friendships and family relationships. Your native love language, like your native tongue, wasn't taught to you explicitly, per se; rather, it's innately how you show love, caring, compassion, etc. to those with whom you come in contact.

The reason why I think it's a cool concept is because of how it can empower us to understand and love one another better. The simple idea is, if you know someone's love language, you not only understand how they're attempting to show their love to you, but you also know how best to love them in return. This is invaluable in family relationships. If a parent knows a child is words of affirmation, then he can also know that some simple verbal validation will go further than any sort of gift, regardless of the expense. Or, say you know your spouse's language is quality time (like my husband's is): no matter how clean the house may be, it still doesn't say "I love you" quite like a little one-on-one time will.

The part about love languages that I find most interesting is the concept that understanding someone's love language also can help us understand how or why that individual gets his/her feelings hurt or feels misunderstood: more often than not, things can go awry because you didn't speak their language, or, even more frequently, it's because their buttons are most easily pushed by offending or ignoring that particular language.

That was some pretty empowering information for me about 5 years into my teaching career. My language is Words of Affirmation. I spent the better part of those years agonizing over off-handed remarks like, "Oh, this is stupid" or "Why are you being so mean?" These sort of off-hand comments felt devastating. I'd hear them and think, "What do you mean this is stupid? Really, like stupid? and you think I'm mean, like, mean??" I'd watch other teachers experience the same sorts of behavior and see it just roll right off their backs, which is really the only healthy way to interact with 16 year olds who tend to believe that anything written before 1998 is stupid and that all teachers are mean.


I had to consciously train myself to let go of their harsh comments, recognizing that the adage, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is definitely not true in my case. I find, though, that I still am pretty sensitive when it comes to words. Maybe that's the reason for this post. I still get worked up over words. Truthfully, I don't mind if you forget my birthday, nor does it bother me if we aren't able to spend a lot of quality time together; a hug is always nice, and I won't find fault if you wash my dishes....but just a few words in the right (or wrong) direction will have you lingering in my mind for days on end. With the advent of email and text messaging, I'm sometimes inundated by others' words; truthfully, I can go crazy if I think too hard about it.

Well, now that I've clearly shown my Achilles' Heel, I'll let someone else step up to the plate. What is your language?